A post from a former blog. This was was written before COVID shut the world down.
The Cards I Was Dealt
I’m excited to write again. I stopped writing my lighthearted posts in 2017. That was the year my world fell apart. May 2017 was when my “sweet babboo” wasn’t so sweet to me anymore. I’m sure some of my former readers remember me calling my boyfriend “Babboo.” I gave him that nickname because he didn’t want me to reference him by his real name on social media. I’ll spare you all the gory details of what transpired in 2017 to put me and keep me in a bad place for quite sometime.
I will tell you I felt broken, lost, unwanted. I heard every cliché that has ever been said about a breakup, “people change, people never change, maybe it’s for the best, you’ll find someone else.” The list goes on and on, and I’m not mad at the people who said those things to me, it was just their attempt at making me feel better. But I DIDN’T. I needed to work through my own shit to get back to a good place and it took a LONG time to do that. The best advice came from the wife of one of my boyfriend’s best friends. She said to me, “Don’t romanticize your relationship.” I didn’t really take it to heart initially and looking back I know now, I was doing exactly that. I was holding onto the thought that my relationship was so good and that I still wanted and needed it. Let me make it very clear, my relationship was great at times, especially in the beginning, and a relationship is give and take. I’m not, and will never claim to be perfect. I’m sure I could have done things a little differently, but I will say with 100% certainty, the cards I was dealt were not good ones, yet I continued to play them.
The years, (yes I said years), following were hard. Self doubt, loneliness, and the feeling I was just existing persisted. During a routine checkup at the doctor I had to answer one of those questionnaires for new patients. The doctor reviewed it and announced she wanted to prescribe me an antidepressant because, in her words, I should have been “over it by now.” I told her I didn’t want them, I didn’t need them, and I wasn’t going to take them. I should have looked her dead in the face and told her to fuck off because her statement didn’t make me feel too great. I don’t want any of you to think I’m anti-antidepressants, I just didn’t want them for myself. I’m really glad I passed on them and took the time to mentally work through it my own way.I don’t like to broadcast every detail of my private life via social media, but what I’m telling you all now is just a little insight on why I stopped writing. I had nothing good to say, so I didn’t say anything. I wrote multiple posts to get the thoughts out of my head. Those posts remained as drafts and were never published.
Social media has turned all of us into writers of sorts. I’ve seen friends’ posts on Facebook about the end of their relationships. The grief so raw for everyone to witness. My heart hurts when I see these type of posts because I’ve been right where they are. I’d see a post one day, so desperate for things to be ok again, and the next day it would be gone. It never really surprised me to see the sudden deletion. We all go through that overwhelming need to “cry out,” hoping the person who hurt us will realize their mistake and come back. But then the next minute, or hour, or day you want to take back everything you just posted. I did my crying out silently in all the posts that still sit as drafts on my old blog.
So, in my very long winded explanation of where I was for so long, I hope one thing stands out, STOP romanticizing relationships that are better left in the past. Work through your sadness in whatever way is good for you. Be good with yourself, because someone deserves the whole you, not the broken you. I promise you, it will all be ok.
If you, or a loved one have thoughts of suicide, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 9-8-8.
Sweet Peas In Summer 